One of the major (and I do mean MAAAAJOR) downsides to suddenly uprooting your city life and dumping it haphazardly into the country is having to get used to different kinds of wildlife. And by that, I mean bugs. All. The. Freaking. BUGS!!
Don’t get me wrong, I grew up with hobo spiders, brown recluse spiders, earwigs, flies, wasps, bees, etc. I know how to deal with those types of things. Over here in Tiny Town, we moved into a home that was mostly vacant (aka Bug Bachelor Pad) and there are different species of bugs than I ever even knew existed!
I step out onto my cute little front porch and am inundated by gnats, all kinds of spiders (big and small), earwigs, etc.
But the other day… I met my match.
Have you ever seen or experienced a bald faced hornet? Have you ever wondered what Satan looked like with wings? Yea, they are pretty much the same thing.
My Bird and I were sitting on our front porch the other day while our two dogs (a Yorkie and a Maltese Poodle (can I get an amen for city dogs?!)) ran about the front yard sniffing all the glorious things they would attempt to roll in later and I glanced up into the eves of our rental home. I spied, amongest all the cobwebs and bird poo needing to be cleaned off the surface, a small greyish papery looking orb:
To be honest, it was pretty awesome because it looked exactly like all those black and white pictures you’ve seen of Jupiter, complete with the Red Dot! Only this was a White Dot.
As my Bird and I watched, Satan emerged from said orb and took flight. I swear to you people, from the deepest recesses of my being, without any sort of exaggeration, I truly believe I saw his eyes turn red as he kick started his wings into action!
He was HUGE and had the body shape of a wasp but was all black from where I could see (with the exception of the glowing red eyes from Hell). I watched cautiously so as not to frighten my Bird but as soon as it was out of sight, I grabbed the Bird by the arm, called for the dogs and we went into the house immediately.
After asking my Father In Law, my Husby, a family friend and my trusty sidekick (Google), I was able to narrow it down to being the Bald Faced Hornet.
I can’t even.
Go and google about them if you dare, but be prepared to find yourself with nightmares later. Suffice to say, they are big, they are aggressive, a lot of people are severely allergic but don’t know until AFTER the sting has sent you to the hospital, and the sting won’t kill them so they can continue to sting you until YOU DIE!
Seriously… I can’t even.
That evening, I decided (after having the nest taken care of and evicting the tenant aka Satan) to mow our giant front lawn. In our previous home in the City, we would mow later because that’s when it was nice and cooled off. Tiny Town, I’m finding, would be best mowed in the mornings.
Alas, I digress. So, I mow while the Husby is evicting Satan and my Bird is riding her bike in our long driveway and I realize that I will most likely get some mosquito bites while doing so but I’m fairly covered with longer sleeves and capris and don’t think much of it.
Cut to this morning:
Those are just the ones on the outsides of my legs. The little vampires were somehow able to suck my blood THROUGH my capris and shirt. I have extreme quantities of mosquito bites on my arms, thighs, feet, wrists, butt cheeks, and back. (Kid you not, on my flipping back, y’all! It’s nigh unto impossible to scratch the middle of your back yourself!)
Needless to say, I underestimated the bugs. There are so, so, so many bugs.
*sigh* So now, this Mermaid Out of Water must add: Get Rid of Bugs to her list of Things to Do. Also maybe getting an Exorcist over here to eliminate any other Satan wannabees… (lol, see what I did there… wannaBEES)
Wish me luck!
Mermaid Out of Water 